A Quest for the Pearl Beyond Price
(my “Hymn of the Pearl”)
Once upon a time, in a secret land of beauty, abundance, and security lived a king and queen who ruled with compassion, creativity, generosity. They were the richly joyous parents of a daughter who was experienced by the entire kingdom as a centerpiece of the royal splendor and she was often bedecked in the finest of hand-stitched garments and precious stones, which she designed with her tailors and wore for the enjoyment of her people, and because her parents had always assured her she was worthy to wear. Perhaps on some level she could not fully understand how or why this should be the case.
Around the time she was beginning to grow into a woman, a visitor arrived in this land having traveled from another place very far away. He wore simple, practical clothing, which he had made himself and which he maintained with great care. His one piece of finery was a single pearl, inlaid in a leather strap which the man wore on his shoulder and fitted across his chest at an angle toward his opposite waist. The man heard tell from the people of this land of the blossoming, immaculate beauty of their princess and he traversed straightaway to the castle for an audience with the King. The King was immediately enamored by this strange fellow, who spoke with great maturity, with a self-confident humility, in an exotic unfamiliar accent. His manner conveyed an easy sobriety, and there was a deliberateness to his every movement and word spoken. The man had come to the castle to request the hand of the princess in marriage, and the King found himself in love with this man; he felt grateful to the powers of the universe for having delivered such a fine husband for his beloved daughter. He dearly hoped his wife would support this unfolding.
The men agreed that the time was some years off before she would be of age to be wed, and the new stranger said, too, that there was a particular Issue which would need to be addressed before he would be able to marry her.
When the queen was introduced to the man she pulled all of the details out of this wonderful gentleman, whom she found fascinating. She learned how he had come to this land, as so few strangers ever did, by an impossible-seeming series of tribulations…
He had been hounded for years by a particular dragon, enormous, reeking of sulphur, with iridescent scales and a vicious fire which sometimes erupted from his throat, who lived in the hollow in the woods where the man had been born. This dragon was clever, agile, and sadistic and his power arose from and was fueled by his hoard of stolen treasures. This man, as a growing boy, had been a cherished plaything for the dragon who tormented him with tricks, ridicule, and fear. The boy had suffered much hardship in the process and had at some points even longed for the escape of death.
One day the growing youth awoke in his own tiny cave where he had long before found he could safely sleep beyond the reach of his dragon. As he peeked out into the morning, there was an uncharacteristic stillness and clarity in the freshly scented air. Quiet pervaded this woods wherein the dragon typically dwelt.
For a moment, the young man speculated that perhaps the dragon had gone off on a long raid or been injured by some gallant warrior much braver and stronger than himself. Whatever the reason, the dragon was simply gone, and the young man discovered in himself a sense of resolve that this was an opportunity to learn more about the origins of this dragon, where exactly did he live, what did he eat, why did he smell so unpleasantly, how large was his hoard? Perhaps he would learn something of value for his aim of defeating the menace.
He followed a trail of signs: clawed footprints, shed flakes of scales, and shards of shattered bone until he at last came upon the lair of his dragon, and still the dragon was away. With steadfast determination the young man clambered the final ledge and, still catching his breath, he entered the dragon’s lair. The dark cavern echoed his racing pulse in silence.
Thereupon, he was deeply saddened by discovering mountains of gems, pearls, coins, countless objects of silver and gold, laying there in waste. The young man understood that this hoard was the cause of his foe’s dark lifestyle, which had produced correlate mountains of suffering: his, the dragon’s, and those of all beings in their land. The young man found that he felt compassion for the dragon as he selected a single beautiful pearl, which he would be able to easily carry with him anywhere, at any pace. This theft would enrage the dragon, and weaken the dragon, but considering how cold this dragon’s heart had become, the young man saw that reducing his hoard by any amount, however small, was actually a kindness which would very slightly nudge the dragon back toward a life of freedom and true fulfillment, which the young man now wished upon him. Grace had landed firmly on the young man’s side, and he exited the dragon’s dwelling place forever.
The man continued traveling away from the place where he knew his dragon would return. As he journeyed, he felt that this pearl had some magic; it was as if everything he had ever undergone had happened precisely in order to unite him with this specific pearl — his own pearl. He knew that he would not have found his pearl nor recognized its value if he had not suffered each hardship as he had before finding it. The man no longer wondered why he lived, nor who he should become, nor how to escape the dragon. He simply walked on, and on, and on, until he had entirely left the familiar landscape. He did not know where he was going, but he felt certain of his course and he experienced an expanding sense of curiosity and delight in what he might discover.
The man had long been very alone and he felt a growing awareness that he wished to share himself with another, and to explore another. He desired to entwine with a lover. Yet, it had become clear to him that any lover of his would need to have acquired a precious pearl of her very own or she would not be able to meet him fully. His sense of the imminence of such a woman in her fullness often excited in him a throbbing energy. She was his path.
And so, he found himself within this land.
As the man told the Queen his story, she saw the truth of it. She saw that this man was settled in himself in a way that her daughter was not, and she desired this for her daughter. She wanted her daughter to become a Great Queen and for her to have a healthy marriage with this Great King.
The Queen devised a plan, and she hoped she had enough savvy to help her husband suppose that the idea was his own. They would commission the finest jeweler of the land to work with the princess’ tailors to create for her a delicate silver brassiere. Beneath her clothing for safekeeping, in the center of this undergarment would be a setting piece, an open claw in which her pearl could be securely fitted on her chest. The eldest spellcaster in the land would be summoned to enchant the garment with a blessing for the princess’ return.
The parents grieved as they prepared to enact their shared plan, for they knew there was a grave risk that it would fail. Yet, they also understood that there was no other hope of their daughter attaining this ultimate personal self-assurance and now that they knew it could be had, and trusting so specifically to their daughter’s orientation toward truth and grace, they were willing to take a courageous risk that she was capable of this task. They believed she would ache to return home from a foreign land of hardship. Hopefully her deep knowing of the benevolence of the universe would endow her with a winning edge against the dragon.
The stranger enshrouded himself in a cloak before he was introduced to the princess as the man who would guide her to the land of her quest, for he was the only man in the land who knew the way. The princess was dressed in a well-fitted set of trousers in which she could navigate freely, and which the man privately very much enjoyed beholding upon her form as they traveled. Inside the layers of her bodice, he knew, the enchanted brassiere cradled her virginal breasts.
In their journeying, the princess had countless questions, and her guide had answers for many of them. As they explored together they began to share a body of wondering about all the things they jointly had yet to discover about life, and they began to feel keenly curious about each other. The path was arduous and the Princess was unaccustomed to such travail. Yet she began to learn her own capacities and to test and grow her strength. In the growing radiance of love between the travelers she began to feel more powerful than she had ever felt before.
The Princess wished to see the guide’s face, but he kept hidden by his cloak, she supposed, due to some kind of shyness. For his part, he knew he was risking giving too much of himself to her before she was ripened enough to understand her right relationship to him, and if she were to behold his raw masculine visage the entire quest might be abandoned with her compulsion to be with him, yet from place of immaturity.
And then, one day, they had reached the boundary of the land from whence he had come. Due to his affections and yearning for her, it was somewhat difficult for him to find the right words in their parting, and there were a few things which he might have otherwise mentioned to her about this land before she would be left to her own devices.
“We have arrived, Princess. Be strong. Best the dragon. Attain the pearl, and then return home to your dear family and kingdom. I, too, will await you.”
Her eyes were blurry with tears as she told him, “See you soon, hopefully!” and stumbled awkwardly out into a clearing near the edge of a town. As she scanned the horizon, everything was unfamiliar. The air smelled heavily of smoke and she heard the shot of a gun before a deer bolted across her path. When she looked back toward her guide, he was no longer there.
She pulled her cloak around herself and made her way toward the town. It was soon apparent that her clothes were out of place and when she went into a shop, she was told that she should purchase some of the fashionable attire they sold. And did she have a job here? If she’s looking for work, she will definitely want to be looking her finest. The Princess bought some new clothes which she put on over her exquisite brassiere in place of her travel-worn garments. When she passed the makeup counter she was offered a makeover, which she would look better with, according to the salesclerk. Surprised that her beauty was in question, she allowed the woman to paint her before walking back out into the town.
Now the men noticed her and they began watching her with odd expressions on their faces which she did not fully understand. A handsome young man of the town tried to become her friend and seemed very eager to offer to take care of her. She liked the idea of being cared for in this time of uncertainty, but she knew she longed to reunite with her guide and then she remembered to inquire after the dragon.
The man became fearful and explained that the terrible dragon lived far in the woods and that it was a permanent curse on the people. They were resigned that it was a fact of life and their only strategy was to try to keep the dragon fed by a regular sacrifice of live food or of worldly treasures, so that he left them in some semblance of peace.
She said that she intended to take on the dragon herself and began to set off in the direction which the man had indicated but he was astonished and forcefully pulled her back. He saw her as naïve and assured her that a lady such as herself would never stand a chance against the serpent of fire. Only the most desperate of their warriors had ever attempted it, and none had ever returned.
Nay, she should come with him, he knew precisely where to find her the most delicious meal his town could offer. The Princess felt grateful and she willingly went with him to an inn where they feasted on plates of exotic food full of spices which pleased her senses in ways she had never experienced. The wine was very relaxing and she had such a thirst that she drank more of the wine than even he. She did not understand what was happening, but she felt all her fear of her quest melt away and she laughed and danced until she was weary and dizzy. The man saw her exhaustion and carried her to a private room where he showed her more of the pleasures of his world.
When she awoke the next day her memory was very incomplete as to how she had come here. She was in bed with a man who clearly cared for her, she remembered that much. She kissed him shyly this morning as she tried to remember what she was trying to remember. She felt embarrassed looking in the mirror as she brushed her long hair, that her makeup had become smeared on her face and she asked him to bring her back to the makeup counter this day so that she could purchase the makeup she needed. He suggested she shave certain parts of her body and offered her his razor so that he would be so proud to introduce her to his family. He had removed her silver brassiere in their night together and when she saw it on the floor she knew it was important to her, if for no other reason than that it was very beautiful and it almost reminded her of whatever it was she had forgotten.
The man helped her find a paying job in the town where she sold small, appealing trinkets to poor people who hoped to become happier. She began to make friends but she was quite naïve indeed, and felt very hurt when people were not always kind to her. She tried with all her might to find ways to make others happy and to blend better into the fabric of the town. She married the man who cared so deeply for her soon after her arrival.
After some time her husband began to speak to her differently, almost as if he did not like her any longer. She redoubled her efforts to make him happy but still he was increasingly resentful toward her. This experience began to undermine her ideas of what her life was. The man told her that she was not valuable. She should be more grateful to him. She should be more passionate toward him. When he found her crying because she wished for him to be content with her he became still more angry. She should not expect him to act like some kind of a prince, for he was only human and she should get over her sense of entitlement.
She became almost accustomed to being unloved by him, but somewhere within her was a sense of certainty that there was another way, a way of living respectfully, with dignity, and lightness and play. In her alone moments, she began to imagine another world in which all beings could know themselves as permanently loved. As her sense of this possibility became stronger she realized that she was helping no one by continuing to participate in her life of suffering.
One night she quietly slipped into the yawning darkness of autumn and she turned toward the woods where she knew lived a ferocious dragon, so there would be no people about to recognize her. She walked all night long so as to put as much distance between her and the life she was determined to abandon as she was able.
A faint stench hung in the air as a drizzly morning began to lighten the sky and she happened upon a small cave into which she took shelter and where she let herself cry fully under her blanket, with no one to stop her feeling her grief. She was so tired that she slept the entire next day and night.
She had nightmares of the dragon, and odd dreams full of mysterious symbolism. The dragon cried in streams of pearls. She dreamt her brassiere guided her to a King and Queen who greeted her with overjoyed tears in their eyes. She dreamt of that place she had begun to long for, where people lived in trust and appreciation and where she felt complete belonging. When she awoke the following morning she reflected on these strange dreams, which seemed important to understand. They began to seem more like memories than dreams, in fact, so that she wondered if this was the life she had forgotten that night when she met her husband. As she had this thought, her legs and belly filled with energy that was almost sexual and she felt a pulling on her heart that someone very dear was awaiting her.
She fell into a deep state of remembering as this feeling of aliveness in her loins began to arouse into the core of her body. Infinity then spread out before her in every direction and her formless consciousness was imbued with a knowing of the Truth of her origin. All infinity was her perfect mother and yet she was the perfect mother of all infinity. When she pulled back up out of the trance a tear fell from her eyes; the Truth was almost too beautiful.
She thought of her husband in the town and she wished to console him, to thank him for everything they had shared together. Yet she would not return to him. She was now with the Truth and she knew all possibilities unfold from the same mystery.
She ventured into the woods and quickly found the dragon’s trail. She heard him howl in his lair and she felt a jolt of fear which then melted into compassion and a desire to know him. What must it be like to live his life? Why did he feel so much pain? How could he continue on in this life, full of hate?
She persisted in her pursuit until the air was heavy with the sulfurous smell of her dragon and she could almost hear the words he was grumbling to himself inside his mountain. She walked to the mouth of the cavern and called to him. “Hello there!” The grumbling went silent and she strained her hearing. “I come seeking your company Dragon! Will you give me a chance to meet you?”
Then a wind almost swirled out of his lair as his large form swiftly pounded to the opening. His black eyes pierced through her as he raged toward her.
“Who the FUCK are YOU, you lying witch!” and he snatched her into his claw as he stood his full height on the ledge. “How DARE you come here!”
Her voice shook with a certain kind of animal fear, “I am very sorry to have upset you, Dragon.”
“You will die now!” he growled and he yelled his fire upon her as she was bound helpless in his fist. Her clothes turned to ash which fell casually to the ground far below. And yet, her skin did not burn! Could that be possible?
She was whole, but wearing only her enchanted undergarment.
“What is this!?” snarled the dragon. He gripped her more tightly so that she was unable to breath or speak and then he spied the sparkle of her fine brassiere. A different air came over him, as if he had forgotten his resentment. He was beginning to see that he had something to gain from this strange woman. He would have that bra before he tortured her!
He loosened his grasp and feigned a half-apology. “I have been overly reactive to you, and for that I am sorry. You see, I understand now that you came here for a reason, and I will have your bra now” He set her upon the ledge, “Unfasten the clasp.”
As her breath returned, her eyes filled with tears,
“I do wish to give you happiness Dragon, and I feel sad that this bra would not make you happy. Yet even if it would, I cannot give it away to anyone.” His scales looked red in the sunlight. He vomited his fire at her again and she was blown by it over the ledge so that she fell down and down until she crashed into the center of a small black lake, she was surrounded by coldness and again she could not breathe. She was aware of her good fortune to have landed in water; she did not panic and her natural buoyancy returned her to the surface air. The dragon squinted down as she emerged into the cool air, shivering, and he was aghast that she still lived.
He began to feel his own fear, that there might not be a way to be rid of her.
She really was a witch and she might really be able to kill him.
A part of him hoped she could be something else, though. He flew down to her, grasped her in his foot and flapped grudgingly back to his cavern. Transferring her into his jaws, he padded on all four feet deep into his home where she beheld the trove of his sins. So Much Sin! So Much Pain! So Alone! She felt a gushing of love for this creature who could not help but live this way. She knew that all beings — that he was of the same origin as she, yet had fallen so far from his dignity that he could only hate everything and worship the shallowest of pleasures.
He set her upon an inner ledge which overlooked the large room and he watched her silently. She still shivered. Without having decided to help her, he found himself gently blowing upon her so that she was instantly dried and warmed. After this he felt he had been tricked and his scales seemed to somehow darken as he tensed in shame and self-hatred. “From where do you come, Witch?!” he spat.
“Oh Dragon. I am afraid you will not believe me when I tell you what is True. Yet I do want you to know.”
“Why would you tell me any truth, Witch!?”
“Because Truth is the only thing I can Know, dear Dragon”
“Baugh!” He bellowed at her and he stormed out of his cave and into the night sky where he could be away from the troubling witch. He felt some inadequacy or vulnerability. He cared too much. He was too soft. Why was it being hard to defend himself from her? She could not possibly love him. He could not possibly want her to love him. What did she want!?
In the direction of the town, yet deep in his woods, the dragon saw a small spark. In desperation the dragon flew to the spark which finally enlarged as a torch in the hand of a desperate soul. The Dragon felt his own power returning to him and he crashed down upon the fearful man, who had not seen the dragon in the night. The man wiggled under his paw, and screamed wordlessly.
“Quiet, meal of mine. Just report your business in my woods this night.”
The man had squeezed his eyes shut and was trying to disappear, not breathing. Then he burst out “My Wife!! I seek my wife! I did not wish to bother you Dragon! Please have mercy upon me!”
“I have your wife, Meal”.
The man fainted on the ground, and his dragon took the man into his teeth and shot back toward his lair.
The dragon found that the Witch was seated now on her balcony and she looked up from her study of the mountain of treasures to discover the horror that her husband hung limply in the dragon’s mouth.
The dragon smugly settled himself upon his hoard and let the man roll out of his bite onto a large pile of coins. He said nothing, but patiently observed as the man realized his whereabouts and condition. He appeared almost drunken as he dropped to a grovel, “Mighty Dragon, I am very sorry to have disturbed your woods. I do not now remember what had come over me”.
As a reminder, the dragon flicked his eyes up to where she gawked silently from her perch.
When the man looked, another energy overcame him and he bound to his feet with purpose. “You! What do you wear now, Whore? You have done the worst thing a wife can do for her husband and left me in humiliation! Now I no longer want you back in my home, nor do I wish to return without you!”
“Husband! How has it come to pass that you have joined me here? I hoped my absence would bring you peace; I ache to hear that you have met with suffering!”
The Dragon smiled, “Witch, if you cared for this man, you would not have abandoned him,” and to the husband the Dragon said from the side of his mouth “You could not have earned such a spurning.”
The Princess responded, “Yes Dragon, your argument seems true. Yet, I hope that you might let me down to where my husband stands, so that I might have a final chance to beg his forgiveness before you kill us both?”
The dragon now felt less alarmed by this woman, who was only a runaway desperado. He would enjoy watching her be defeated by her own fate, he thought to himself as he lowered her to join her husband.
“My clothes were burned off of me by the Dragon’s fire breath, Husband” She knelt and bent her face to his feet, where she subtly grasped a single pearl between her fingers. “Please know that I have always wished to share…” and she was kicked in the face by the man. As her body flew away from him, her right hand doubled into a fist, containing the pearl. She paused for a moment then, realizing her intention.
She began gathering herself to rise again and the pearl was undetected as she slipped it under her left breast in her brassiere.
She stood facing both the man and the dragon, with her back now to the opening of the cavern. “You have each had your fun now, and it is time for me to play my hand. I am indeed a witch,”
She lunged into an aggressive stance and, swirling her hands above her head, recited an unfamiliar incantation. Her dragon, and her man, were both wholly surprised by this event and eyed the walls to either side of them, as if seeking an alternate outlet. After a short spell, she stood again and announced “May you be bound to each other until you can no longer stand to call yourself ‘man’ and ‘dragon’. Your fears will always torment you and your rewards will never satisfy you. This curse will last until you forsake everything you have. On that joyous day, we will meet again.”
Thereupon, the Princess strode to the ledge at the mouth of the Dragon’s lair and dove off, plummeting into the small black lake again. She emerged for her breath soon after, climbed again onto the shore, and set off toward her small cave where she dried herself and placed her new pearl into the center of her brassiere. She tore her blanket into a layered robe and then she tracked toward the town, without pursuit until the early morning. Thereupon, she silently overtook the town until she had found the place at the edge of a wood where her Beloved had left her to her quest. The woman launched herself on the path to him.
Her journey would take her through the coldest season, making her travel difficult. Yet she remembered many of the ranger’s tools which her Guide had shown her in their journey together, years before. With him residing in her memory, she was inspired to remain open and calm in moments of hardship and to trust that she can do without food or comfort when they were unavailable to her. She learned to use leaves and snow to create sleeping quarters during the warmer days, and to stay moving in the long biting night. From the beginning she had some skill, and as she traveled she learned richly. She found ingenious ideas arising within her, in fact, and she invented solutions to challenges which had at first appeared unresolveable.
Increasingly, a magical sense of luck and purpose descended upon her. She was becoming accustomed to her ongoing good fortune and was not surprised when she came upon a humble but well-appointed abandoned cabin in which to await the first signs of spring. She felt herself to be living as a Queen in her worldly poverty beside an endlessly beautiful fire and with an inner fire of patient knowing that she was returning to her homeland; she savored her quietude.
When spring awoke, she left the cabin in its abandonment and rejoined her trail with renewed strength. Enjoyment seemed to precede her in her journey. The animals she sometimes disturbed in her passing were her friends even as they chittered their agitation at her and the spring bulbs grew along her path as if they were a personal gift to her from her Beloved. Her survival was already not in question, but it became ever-more natural for her to thrive. When a tree fell across her trail, as if to dissuade her forward progress, she observed next the passage of a skunk just beyond. She felt in coordination with her environment as she sent her love with the birds who flitted ahead of her; her Beloved would wish to know that she drew near.
Then, as she opened her eyes one morning, she observed her guide seated upon the ground beside her, hidden still inside his cloak. They celebrated their reunion with laughter and renewed affinity. He had been scouting the wood for signs of her return all these years and he did not seem surprised to see her now, nor upset that she had been held so long in her other-worldly life. She told him the story of her perilous quest, her forgetting of her heritage and her married life as a woman of the town. She spoke of her remembering and her dragon and she told him of her precious pearl and the magical blessings of her journey home.
Her guide then removed his hood and she beheld him as love incarnate. Thereupon, the woman settled to her knee. She reached for the hand of this Man and requested that he become her eternal husband. The man explained that he’d already been waiting to marry her for years, and that all of the wedding preparations would be in order to commence upon her arrival home. The Man pulled a bell on a ribbon from his belt pouch and fastened it around the broad neck of his steed. With an instructive word the horse galloped off, returning on the path toward the kingdom. The betrothed two completed the journey together on foot discovering each other more deeply than ever before. Their love was a kaleidoscope of learning. Each saw the world now from another perspective as well as their own, and then also through a perspective which was a synthesis of these.
The two felt a quickening of their eagerness to be joined together and pressed themselves finally to the castle. Wedding bells chanted their welcome throughout the land.
The reigning King and Queen were overjoyed to be reunited with their daughter and their pride in her was evident in their respectful air toward her. She felt love and appreciation of their courage to have sent her on the quest for her pearl. She thanked them for their discernment in selecting her betrothed and she confided that she could hardly wait to be his wife.
The ceremony was more beautiful than the couple might have anticipated, though they had not much care for such events, themselves. They wore the costumes which had been designed for them, and bowed to the people in customary ways. As the ritual came to its resolution, the Man and Woman were socially united as One.
They received gifts and praise with sincere appreciation for the supportive spirit in which they were intended, though their marriage was in need of nothing.
As the merriment began to wind down, the couple found all distractions fading out of their perspective. They were sinking down, down into the private needing to consummate their union. Their focus was drawn, with primacy, unto the Beloved.
As the day began to close, with nothing more to be done, they joined their hands and walked toward the setting sun, into forever, where they disappeared.
